If you’ve read on here before (hello- what’s up how are you? it’s so good to see you again – i’m sorry Kurtis Conner for stealing your catchphrase)- this isn’t the usual but I thought it would be nice to personalise my blog and every once in a while, I’ll like to just write my thoughts down – kind of like if this was a journal. It probably won’t be very popular but I think it would be nice to look back on and take a trip down memory life and hopefully smile and look back on my early adulthood and the self-growth I’ve made. Anyway enough of introductions.
Song listened to or mentioned:
Yo Love – Vince Staples, 6LACK, Merba (from the movie Queen and Slim)
Solitude Is Bliss – Tame Impala
note: the songs may influence the way I write but nonetheless think of it as good song recommendations!
I have grown up my whole life as sensitive. If anyone is interested, I am an ISFP – introverted, sensing, feeling and perceiving. I highly recommend taking the 16 personality type test if you haven’t. It could give you an insight about yourself. For most of my life, i’ve often thought through observation with other people that sensitivity is a rather negative trait. In fact a common weakness of an ISFP is being overly sensitive.
I knew from a very young age that I like being in solitude – I like being by myself and I like being in my own thoughts. Solitude is Bliss is one of my favourite Tame Impala songs – as an introvert it speaks to me. Maybe it was an internal justification that I knew I wouldn’t get along with everyone and I would rather be by myself. There are a lot of lyrics that resonate me with that song which I will scatter across this piece- whatever this is.
There’s a party in my head and no one is invited
As you become older, as you meander your way through adolescence and adulthood, you start noticing things that you don’t like about yourself. At first, these observations are more surface-level- you don’t like the glasses you wear or the clothes your mum puts yourself in. However, these observations begin to spiral, you begin looking at yourself through a magnifying glass.
Sometimes these observations are difficult to personally control. Your race, your sensitivity, the ability to accept your body after years of hatred and shame and years of conventionally attractive body standards plastered around you.
Then you start realising that being in your own company isn’t comforting.
It seems like a bit of a contradiction to yearn for someone but have a disregard to interact with other people. It’s not that I found my inner world incredibly fascinating but more so the need I wanted to fix everything wrong in my inner psyche. When a magnifying glass is focused on you, every single detail is being identified, examined and critiqued.
You will never come close to how I feel
In a millennial world, ghosting is something way too prevalent in our culture that it’s become almost routine. Now I have ghosted too – I know the ease, the satisfaction of vanishing- to be done with. Naturally, I’m a very closed person – it’s the introvert in me. I don’t let people get into my true feelings but I’m very sensitive. For an emotional and sensitive person, ghosting has helped a lot as a shield. To distance myself from feeling intense feelings. But how am I meant to make any sort of valuable, emotional connection if all of us have put up shields?
For a highly sensitive person, the notion of ghosting can seem abrupt, confusing and angry. Paired with a heart heavy filled with romanticised ideals. And I regret a lot of my actions when it comes to this topic but you live and you learn right? I blame my sensitive self oblivious and initially reluctant to believe a modern reality of fleeting and meaningless conversation and connection. It’s something I’ve learnt over time that everyone is limited to their consciousness and that we can not fully understand, emphasise nor connect with others.
I get that magnifying glass again and overanalyse every little behaviour I exemplified because it has been ingrained in me that it is always something I did wrong. It usually ‘isn’t’ but then I sometimes am told I am reminded of an ex. I have worked so hard on bettering myself and becoming a maturing individual who I am proud of only to be reduced to a person who isn’t even me.
Solitude is bliss
The only validation you need is from yourself and you definitely do not deserve a man who doesn’t even have the emotional maturity or how shall I put it- the balls to tell you why you shouldn’t see each other anymore. And enjoy your own company and being in this very moment. Everything heals in time.
After all, ISFPs are energised by spending time alone. l’m learning to recharge, taking time to find peace and happiness and enjoying the bliss in solitude.
a playlist for when you’re alone in your thoughts
I Wish – Tom Misch
Boredom – Tyler the Creator, Rex Orange County, Anna of the North
Heart Don’t Stand a Chance – Anderson Paak
Nangs – Tama Impala
Alkaline – Kota the Friend
Dragonball Durag – Thundercat
Ode to Viceroy – Mac DeMarco
Chamber of Reflection – Mac DeMarco